I had a beautiful, captivating sentence typed out as an intro to delving into my personal struggles. Then the Wi-Fi disconnected and OF COURSE it deleted my awesome words.
Yo now I'm really ready to flow out this post.
I could start by saying the little, tiny things aggravate the shit out of me.
The big things? The actual hard life things? The all-encompassing chaos of a moment you NEVER think you could possibly escape in a million lifetimes? Eh, I'm solid.
I think I typed something along the lines of,,,"if only we all could articulate our theories of personal evolution in the eloquence of Alan Watts or Ram Das, but then again we are infinitely as capable as these individuals in describing our own experiences in this human condition."
Anyway, not like it was that great of a sentence.
This post is a bit about all things processing and growing.
Let's start by allowing an inquiry and then follow some bread crumbs of inevitable supposition, shall we?
Question of the hour:
How can we experience such massive growth and realization that leads us to experiencing eternal bliss and connection with Source (not that we are ever disconnected from Source) and then at times that same analytical formula of our own mental processes lead us to the most seemingly minute of shifts?
Sometimes, even a de-evolution of sorts occurs and our progress just rolls back on itself, almost as a mischievous test from the universe.
As if our progress is a ginormous, wily ball of dough with a face, chuckling and blissful as he rolls down the hill- us chasing him with, decidedly, highly inadequate running shoes.
This has been my experience. To feel an ebb and flow of such occasional extreme that I wonder if other people experience this?
Or if I possibly did entirely too much cocaine in my junior high school years and stumped that section of my brain that's supposed to like, solidify my cerebral cognizance or whatever :P
I definitely don't ever claim to be perfect, or always in my highest divine state. I am so thankful that, no matter what, I could never be shut off from Source. From birth I have been connected and til passing from this life it shall stay.
That's one of the interesting things about writing spiritual music. When I sing the words, it's a reminder to me, also.
A foundation, taking form in vibrant variety of affirmation and prayer, that provides a basis of my life.
Let me also mention that, being an multi-level empath, much of my state of being is lived from the collective. This is one of the reasons why I feel most at home doing activism. I am able to connect with both sides of the opposite worlds that need to be connected, then connect them with whatever shiny, verbal/energetic spark is necessary.
I couldn't feel myself writing anything but lyrical content rooted in the realms in and outside of us and our world.
I feel as if I'm selfish enough in my personal life enjoying my privilege of first world freedoms that to also sing about my own struggles would seem...indulgent.
Even to write about myself feels a bit alien but,,we ALL deserve to divulge what we feel called to share, right?
Back to the inquiry at hand, I also get that some people are less willing to change than others because our society fosters complacency and regression, stagnancy and denial.
And that in facing ourselves, owning that denial and seeking influence from those who we respect and value in our lives, we begin the internal back and forth battle that is growth in a nutshell.
Something that is much easier simply avoided at all costs.
It's taken me so long to finally feel as if I truly might be on the other side of the traumatic, bottled events of my childhood. However, am I really? I mean, fears still arise from emotional remnants that swim underneath the surface of my daily cognition. Fears rooted in,,what exactly?
I have processed and philosophized and compartmentalized and realized and recognized and prophesied.
I have woken in a white-walled cell, locked in by a barred white door and kept the company of padded white walls. I have found the deepest connection with Source I have ever felt in that room.
I have witnessed my biological maternal life-giver wrapped in material of this same color, babbling nonsensical verbiage that I responded to with steadfast compassion.
Not just once.
Too many times to count.
I have then ripped myself from that life-giver, walked away with the rest of my possessions in hand, as she followed me down a busy intersection in my hometown, commanding me not to abandon her. I let my heart get ruthlessly ripped from my chest as I continued to press on, realizing that if I was ever going to have a healthy life, I had to walk away NOW.
That was roughly 2 years ago.
Since, the growth and processing I've been blessed with experiencing has been exponential.
I am proud of who I am becoming. And I have to say, I owe it in part, to myself.
I think maybe, we should all take more pride in our ability to stay resilient and to remain companion to ourselves, others, and our world. And that when we sit back, take a breath, and allow what needs to flow through-whether it be pain, joy, or numbness, we are living.
And we are okay.
Thanks for reading. It truly, truly means the world to me. Til next time, --Shasta